This guide is meant to be a Helpful Tool to all you ladies out there who have hair and would like some Handy Tips on How to Manage it. I am not a hairstylist, nor have I ever been to beauty school, so I would prefer not to be sued or held responsible if you follow my advice and end up bald-- in other words, swim at your own risk.
Oh, and you should know that the Useful Advice that this article is about to spit at you is presented in random order, and that Tip No. 1 is not necessarily more important or more chronologically essential than Tip No. 9.
Let us begin.
(I'm not ready yet. Not without my bucket. Rules and tools are schools for--- shutting up.)
1. Red hair is a blessing, not a curse, and if one is fortunate enough to possess locks of this particular shade, one should not attempt to change their hue to something darker-- otherwise, one may end up Green, and it's not easy being Green. People might be tempted to ask if you ate grass as a child, and this is an awkward conversation starter.
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But please do keep in mind that smallpox scars mysteriously seem to fade as one becomes more and more of a selfless person, and by the time one weds one's true love at the end of the film, they will be--ta-da!--practically nonexistent.
5. I don't care what the fashion is, girl, don't run a lawnmower over your head. Unattractiveness (seriously? that's a word) aside, it's just not safe.
6. Chestnut tresses fetch a pretty price during wartime, and if one's father has fallen seriously ill and is in need of expensive medicines, by all means go ahead and sever your "one beauty." (Trust me, it isn't your only beauty. That and the existence of the Loch Ness monster are lies perpetrated by the media to get you to buy magazines. Don't fall for the myth.)
7. Rain may spoil a splendid 'do, it is true (you see I'm a bit of a poet...) but if you time things right, you may just get a proposal from the guy you've been in love with for years if you run into him dripping wet. Moral: never carry an umbrella.
8. Letting your haphazard younger sister curl your hair before you go to your first ball is totally a good and well-researched idea, strongly founded on previous examples of skill and steadfastness from said younger sister. (That was sarcasm.) No, seriously, don't let her near you with a curling iron unless you want to go dancing completely bald in front.
9. It is a truth universally acknowledged that many--even most--girls look prettier when the hair is, to be blunt, "down." This, however, is only acceptable pre-nineteenth century. (Half-up is the general consensus once you start sliding into the eighteenth; be warned.) Don't let the movie stylists lie to you.
NO REALLY I'M SERIOUS HERE. You are a full-grown and respectable woman of the Regency period. Stop the madness. PUT IT UP. NOW.
10. Remember what we said before about volume? Yeah. That. Did you think we were kidding? Your hair can never be too fluffy. Trust us on this. Poofy hair has a power not to be reckoned with-- if your one true love happens to be dying, just run to him with a head full of frizz and floof and he will get better out of sheer terror and self-defense. This experiment has been tested in Avonlea and is proven to work. (Oh, and actually telling him you love him will help, too. Just a hint.)
11. Don't listen to naysayers-- your natural color is beautiful just the way God made it, and if you so firmly believe that making it different will snag the guy of your dreams, consider rethinking your motivations. (Also consider how old he is. Yeesh.)
12. All that previous stuff aside... if you're only the second daughter, it's really not important what your hair looks like. Sorry, sweetie. But if you're the eldest, then go for those curl papers and call for Sarah, because we need to get you married off now.
Bonus: If you're at all acquainted with a certain Miss Margaret Hale, get her to teach you her ways. And then pass the tips off to the rest of us. We beg you.
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